


The Holy Nugget

by RinIsDovah



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist, Fairy Tail
Genre: ?? - Freeform, Bad Humor, Christian!McDonaldsEnthusiast!Natsu, Christianity, Crack, Cults, Cursed, Eldritch Abominations (Cthulhu Mythos), EldritchAbomination!Lucy, Fast Food, Gen, How Do I Tag, Humor, Igneel is forgotten, MexicanCatMan!Rin, Religion, Religion!Fastfood!AU, buff!Happy, certified cringe, fastfood, mcdonalds, mildly racist?, owo!Gray
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27265690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RinIsDovah/pseuds/RinIsDovah
Summary: Natsu Dragneel lost his father at a young age, and now leans on the power of Christ and chicken nuggets to carry him through the harsh world of magic and friendship. Takes place in the Fairy Tail universe with a headcanon for multiple characters, mostly on account of religious beliefs, and in one case, species and lifespan.Lead forth by the passion of Christ, follow Natsu on his quest to find the One Nugget. Or, follow everyone else on their quest to survive.This isn’t taken even a little seriously, so beware. Took more effort than it should’ve though.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This isn’t meant to be offensive to Christians. This is highly exaggerated and no Christian actually acts like this. Also, my space bar is broken so I may have missed a few spaces. And finally, I do not own Fairy Tail, Ao no Exorcist/Blue Exorcist, or any linked works or franchises linked to this fanfiction. They belong to Hiro Mashima and Kazue Kato respectively. I also don’t own any fast food chains. My wrist already hurts, and I’ve only written this, is that bad?

“Do fairies have tails? Lmao, nah, seems kinda gae. But angels have wings, so fucking fear God, Natsu. Fear him or he’ll kill us all.” 

Natsu knelt, shivering in the massive downpour as God expressed his sorrow upon man, and the small boy mourned the passing of his adoptive father. The cold stone below him sucked the remaining heat from his small limbs as he struggled to remain awake. Tears were beginning to streak from his face. It had scarcely been a week. Grief still plagued his heart violently, sapping his will and emotional strength. He could do little but sit and weep.

The darkness echoed from the clouds obscuring the sun did little to cure his heart of his troubles. But as holiness repels all dark in the hearts of men eventually, a light rose into being before the child. Natsu looked up in wonder. He extended his hand to touch the orb, which emanated warmth, but jerked back as an amorphous and obscure entity began to emerge. The being took the image of a man. He was skinny, to the point it seemed unhealthy.

He seemed almost deathly with the iron nails driven messily through his palms as if by hammer. Splinters remained lodged in the skin below his knuckles. Somehow, he maintained a serene and peaceful look. Not once in the 20 seconds Natsu had stared had the man complained or seemed pained.

A halo of golden light materialized above him, and it was then Natsu realized the man had passed away some time ago. Cold, confused, tired, all he could do was stare at the ghostly figure, who remained tangible before him as if he were more than an echo of a past time. The iron nails faded and the wounds struck upon him scarred over, and he embraced the grieving boy with a comforting warmth greater than Igneel himself could have offered. 

“God watches over all and walks beside you, even in times of suffering. He will give you strength if you let him, young Natsu. Trust in God, have faith, and you shall traverse even the hottest of deserts and the thickest of woods."

Natsu swallowed despite the slight soreness in his throat, then sniffled and wiped his tears. Tentatively, he stood. "...God?" He knew what the word meant, but he had never been told that there was one. It was a new concept... but not one unwelcome.

“Yes, God," the glowing figure responded in kind. "...how do you know? Have you... met him?"

"I am the son of God, Jesus Christ." His figure suddenly seemed much more imposing, in spite of the fact he hadn't moved and he had retained the peaceful expression and posture.

Natsu stared, dumbfounded. Then, the fact settled oddly quickly, and he looked up at him. "Jesus... I don't know what to do without my dad. Where do I go next...?"

The holy man smiled, walking besides Natsu and guiding him... ...to the nearest McDonalds, in a place called Magnolia.

**A Sinful Girl Named Lucy**

_In the present day..._

In a little known town called Hargeon, a quaint little port on the coast of Fiore, Natsu Dragneel was setting the road alight with his sheer enthusiasm for Jesus. He had been seeking the religious figure ever since he had his first and only encounter with him, so dead set upon it that had forgotten and forsaken the objective of searching for his father.

He had heard some girls (most of which were showing their shoulders, what sinners) squealing about the most heavenly man they had ever seen, and it was clearly Jesus. It just _was_. Skidding to a stop in front of a crowd, he peeked above the wall of strangely not-very-modest maidens. 

“Jesus!” he squealed, shoving the girls aside to give the man a hug. The man swatted him away, and Natsu scowled. “Hey, you’re not Jesus! You’re just a mage man! Don’t you know magic is satanic?”

“Shut the fuck up, boomer!” said Happy. “Aye!” Happy agreed with himself.

Natsu was given an odd look, but the “Holy One” quickly recovered, standing straight and nodding to a man in the background. Natsu was dragged away by a burly man with thick, shiny strands of black hair all over his arms and chest, while Happy was caught with a butterfly net, which offended him, thank you very much. Butterfly nets were racist against his kind.

Not one to give up on whatever stupid quest formulated in his mind at any given point, Natsu pointed furiously. “Wait! Why are you impersonating Jesus?” He broke out of the muscle maniac’s grip, growling as he grabbed the net Happy was in. “You! I’ve been searching for weeks and you led me astray of the Lord’s path- oh wow, that ring sure is pretty…” He dropped the net, which fell to the ground with a clatter.

“Fucking boomer!”

The Christian teen had yanked the aforementioned jewelry right off the man’s finger without him so much as noticing, until he saw Natsu examining it. It was pink, a darker pink, while the heart engraved in the center was a paler tone. There was a slight shine to it, like a fake plastic gem. Overall, it actually seemed rather gaudy and tacky. It got worse the longer he stared.

The group of girls suddenly gasped and blinked, a blond one stepping forward. “That ring… that’s forbidden magic!” The young, and decidedly equally as unmodest as the rest, girl scoffed and stormed away along with the rest of the girls, but not before grabbing the back of Natsu’s collar.

“Hey, don’t grab me, shoulder-showing lady! I’m waiting until marriage!” That earned him a prompt smack.

————

“Dear Lord, thank you for giving me this meal, and may you bless the-“

“I paid for it! What is up with you, anyway? You’re so strange.”

Natsu stared back, head tilted. “Do you... not believe in God? That seems so dismal.”

The blond girl sighed. “At least tell me your name. I want to at least know the name of the guy who saved me...”

Then the dragon slayer smiled brightly. “Natsu Dragneel, son of Igneel and devout follower of the Eastern Orthodox Christian Church of the ancient Byzantine empire, created in a universe the Creator doesn’t quite know the history of very well!”

“Wh- the ‘creator’ doesn’t know the history?”

“I was talking about the author, you dumbass,” Natsu clarified kindly.

He got a blank stare in return. “Uh huh...”

Was this the guy she had spent money on? And he didn’t even seem particularly pleased with the meal, picking at it and muttering. “Well, I’m Lucy Heartfilia.”

“Mhm- do you think they have McRibs here? Or chicken nuggets? Hey waitress lady! This table, please!” Irked, the server finished pouring coffee at another table and walked over. “You have chicken nuggets, right? Or a McRib? I’d take a Big Mac, but I’m watching my weight-“

Exasperated, and rightfully so, she stalked to a shelf not too far away. She flipped through the menus until she found a kid’s menu, and came back, sliding it to Natsu’s spot in the booth.

“Jesus never taught me to read,” Natsu said blankly. The waitress threw her hands in the air, giving up.

Lucy saw a chance to antagonize him, however. “Wouldn’t that mean... you never read the Bible?” She put her hand over her mouth inn faux offense. Natsu squawked, knowing that it was, in fact, sin to ignore God’s word due to mere illiteracy.

Natsu dove to the floor, kneeling, bowing and crying as he prayed. “Lord forgive me! I’ll learn to read, I promise, Jesus!” How could he have not read the Bible...? He’d become literate and read it all, cover to cover, and then the New Testament, and Old Testament, and Really Old Testament, and Testament XR. And all the psalms and proverbs. And the entire McDonald’s menu.

“Stop it!” pleaded Lucy. “You’re embarrassing me!”

Natsu reluctantly sat back down. “I’ll have to find a way to repent and redeem myself in the Lord’s eyes...”

In some attempt to distract him, Lucy asked, “So what brings you to Hargeon?” “Well, I heard that the Holy One was here and I thought it would be Jesus. My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined.”

“...ah. Well, I came because of him, too, actually. I heard he was a Fairy Tail mage! You’re probably not very familiar with magic or mages, but they’re usually in guilds. Being in a guild is the mark of a strong mage, and Fairy Tail is the strongest guild currently in Fiore. Isn’t that incredible? I really want to join... Do you think they have room for a celestial mage?”

“A cholesterol mage? Like a McDonalds wizard?” Frankly, the idea was amazing. “Oh! Can _you_ make me a McRib?”

She deadpanned. “No.”

“Well that’s just sexism.”

“What?”

____________

“Happy! Lucy’s on that boat, but just looking at it makes me sick...”

“Shut the fuck up, boomer!”

“Is that all you can say? Well, that’s okay. Jesus teaches to accept everyone, regardless of speech impediments and autism!”

“I’m not fucking autistic, fuckass anti-vaxxer!”

“Can you carry me across the water, to the boat at least?”

“Fuck off, boomer!” Said Happy, playing Fortnite.

“...Jesus Christ, for one day, grant me your grace and allow me to walk on water...” He plunged off the balcony, despite the screams of onlookers, proceeding to run towards the boat and Lucy. The cold ocean roared against his feet as he dashed upon it’s violent waves, and with a burst of holy light, he leapt onto and through the deck, landing inside the ship.

“Natsu!” Lucy cried. “Thank God!” Natsu immediately keeled over and vomited, ruining the wood floor with his lava-like bile.

‘That...was anticlimactic...’ thought Lucy. She was doomed.

“Hey, fucking boomer!” called Happy. “Get the fuck over here, I had to stop my game for this so I hope you’re happy!” The catlike being swooped down from above, grabbing her with his prehensile tail as they fled the scene, soaring above on white wings upon the cat’s back. “Stupid fucking timer!” screeched Happy, the wings disappearing with a brief ‘pop!’ as the two plunged into the cold sea.

“Wait, this is where he threw my keys!” “Nobody gives a fucking shit, get that through your damn head- oh, she already dived. Figures.”

She returned to the surface, hair dripping with sea water, but grinned with the keys she now had available. “Open, Gate of the Water Bearer, Aquarius!” A burst of light came forth of the golden key, taking the form of a pretty, blue-schemed mermaid. She floated above the ocean, ethereal and otherworldly. “Alright Aquarius, I need you to sweep away that ship!”

“Screeeeeeeeeeee-“

“Ah! Don’t you ‘scree’ me-!” Her voice raised dramatically into a screech of her own as she was washed away in a raging torrent. She washed up, grains of sand all caught up in her hair, as well as other places... best left unmentioned. She would be caught up in detangling her hair for hours now, with the thick knots that had taken residence there... and in other places, best left unmentioned.

“ScreeEEEEEeeeeee?”

“You swept me up too!” Lucy wailed, close to simply tearing her hair out. Why was her spirit like this? Why couldn’t she have found a more... verbal, sane zodiac that was equally awesome and powerful?

“Screeeeeeeeeee!” And Aquarius took her leave, disappearing in a flash of light. Meanwhile, the holy dragon slayer rose shakily, a hand upon his knee as he struggled to remain upright. The cholesterol mage had made the ship worse by completely knocking it away, but now that it had crashed onto shore, all was still and he could work his magic- wait, magic is still Satanic.

“He’s the real one, no doubt about it,” said Bora’s lackey as Natsu ripped off his coat, showcasing the real Fairy Tail emblem. “The Holy Nugget. Shit, Bora, we can’t handle this guy.”

“Damn straight! Crap, cussing is a sin-“ Natsu paused, kneeling. “Dear Lord, find it in your generous heart to forgive me for this sin, and cleanse my mouth of the filth I have drenched it in. May you grant me the grace to get over my addiction to foul language. Amen.”

“...yup, that sounds about right...”

“How is _he_ a Fairy Tail mage?” Lucy broke into hysterics. “He’s so... so stupid! And he said it himself, he thinks magic is _satanic_! I- I’m- how is he the real Holy Nugget?”

“Fireproof scales for withstanding flame... fire breathing lungs for creating flamethrowers... white, holy wings because he’s a stupid, religious and conservative boomer!”

“My only magic is my faith in the Lord and my father! Fire is holy and cleanses filth from heretics and witches, and my wings represent my ascent from atheist to a loyal follower of God!”

“Lushi...” Happy began.

“It’s Lucy-“ she interjected.

“I said LUSHI you fucking boomer- that’s Bora of the Prominence he’s fighting, fuckass bitch from Titan Nose. Beat the Guild Master in Fortnite once, pussy.”

‘Says the cat...’ Lucy thought offhandedly, delving into her deeply racist side and mentally prosecuting the poor exceed for its felinoid features and participating in discrimination.

“So you’re the one defiling the innocence of women and selling them for shekels... Bora,” Natsu growled. “And under the guise of Fairy Tail mage. You’ll pay for your sin of adultery and greed!”

The newly revealed Bora had given his subordinate a rather nasty glare in return for him daring to speak his real name, but that was now directed at Natsu. Determined to hold his ground, and ego, he smirked.

“...Prominence Whip!” A purple circle of a thousand shifting patterns spawned, before a long, thick rope of magenta energy shot viciously for Natsu. The dragon slayer dodged brilliantly, all the while soaring high above on cloud-sewn wings.

“Now... I’ll show you how a true man of God battles!” The Holy Nugget promised. “Fire Jesus’s Iron Fist!” He divebombed the poor man, unleashing a rage of holy flame upon him. It was swiftly counteracted with another prominence attack- which Natsu swallowed. “Man, I was saving room for a McRib in a bit... but that’ll have to do.”

“Okay, but what the fuck,” muttered Bora. In a desperate gamble, he ordered another henchman to attack, but all was futile in the face of the chosen champion of Jesus Christ himself.

“Fire Jesus’s Roar!” ...and soon enough, they were all burnt to crisps and everybody died except Natsu, Lucy, and unfortunately Happy.

“Fucking boomer. You’re so fucking stupid you attracted THESE motherfuckers,” he said, referring to the guards Natsu had caught the attention of by slaughtering the population of an entire town through arson.

“Lord Almighty, we gotta go!” Natsu squeaked, pulling Lucy along the burning road. They were officially on the lamb from the vicious, evil guards protecting the city. Stupid guards, doing their job. They must have horrible intentions and are clearly the antagonists of this story. 

“Why me?” Lucy squealed.

“Well, you wanted to join the guild, right?” Lucy grinned, finally beginning to run on her own. Fairy Tail... the gateway to her dreams. This was the great break she had been waiting for since she was a little girl.

“I gotta know, though... you attend church, right? I can’t let just any sinner join my guild... or can you make French fries? Or chicken nuggets? That’s acceptable, too-“

“Goddamnit.”


	2. Enter: El Rizumo and Madam Wendy’s

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> El Rizumo, the infamous Mexican antichrist that runs Del Taco (son of Satan, the CEO of Taco Bell) enters the scene, along with disgraced knight Madam Wendy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What am I doing with my life? Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z-

It was a cold, bleak day in the guild of Fairy Tail. Erza was to return today; she had many… names, reputations, and titles tacked to her. One of which was Madam Wendy, the Mistress of the Square Patty, and all feared her relentless Twitter roasts, fiery as the grills she cast her burgers upon.

A whinny pierced the silence, the doors blown open with a billow of wind. A white horse reared and a courageous red-haired woman single handedly grasped the reigns to maintain her balance. She had a massive burger with what seemed to be a square patty balanced precariously on her shoulders, weighing down on the poor horse and causing its hooves to slide apart. 

The horse settled with a brief snort, if only to avoid falling. Its fur was a magnificent warm white -- it had clearly been recently groomed, and its mane, a stylishly done side-sweep. “...bitch, ya didn’t tell me this was gon’ be a pig-sty,” snapped the animal in a startling southern accent, voice revealing its femininity. Her manners... they were immaculate. For a horse, at least.

Erza dismounted the steed gracefully, giving her a small pat on the snout. “...bitch, I though’ I told y’all not be touchin’ my damned nose!”

The horse went ignored by the woman -- no, she was much more invested in other matters. “...it smells disgustingly of McNuggets in this guild,” Erza admonished. “Natsu?”

Said teen had his face stuffed half full with nuggets, crumbs all over his mouth and chin. “Mff wicken wuggwets mwuch,” he paused to swallow, “better than your evil squares! Squares are satanic!” 

Lucy looked towards Mirajane, hoping for some form of explanation to the ongoing matter. Mira took her cue, looking upon Lucy with sad eyes as she began with a hushed and subdued tone, “Erza was once the pride and joy of our guild. I’m sure you’ve heard of Titania, the Queen of the Fairies… but at some point she abandoned strawberry cake in favor of buying her own restaurant, which she named Wendy’s. She began to abandon her missions midway… she became so irresponsible. She only seeks quality fast food, now. Even yet, Natsu maintains the rivalry they’ve had ever since she beat him in battle years ago. Sometimes I wonder if it’s only to make sure she doesn’t feel abandoned…”

The sorrowful tale caused her to look back at the knightly redhead, who was still toting her burger like a strapless backpack. By now the air between she and Natsu had grown oppressively heated and had no hope of cooling. 

“Wendy’s will go far beyond McDonald’s, your low quality burgers will never triumph! Our patties are far fresher!” Meanwhile, Gray lurked in the background, crunching on a… cold McDonald’s patty. What? He happened to really enjoy the nice flavor brought on by kwispy ice crystals. Just like Kwispy Cweme uwu~

“McDonald’s will always be fueled only by the holy power of Jesus! Conform or be sent to hell, and remember, God loves us all!”

“You dirty scoundrel! McDonald’s can never overcome the startling lack of care it beholds! It’s a monopoly of fast food, a scourge upon America brought by capitalism!” Erza rose her sword (was that made of biodegradable potato plastic?) up to the heavens as she declared her rage.

Natsu blinked, utterly confused. And then promptly burned down the guild in a raging fury! “How dare ye, o disgraced knight?” The spirit of Jesus rose above him, a mighty titan of justice and holiness. 

Mirajane coughed up some soot.

—————

As dictated by section 2, paragraph 5 and line 4 of the Natsu protocols, one is to immediately commence rebuilding the guild if complete annihilation is to occur. On the one after, it clarified that he were to bring on a sudden apocalypse involving murderous trees, to immediately seek refuge in the nearest cave and plan out a diet of bugs and berries.

But nevertheless, the entire guild carried on carrying bricks in misery as Makarov loomed above, eating grapes peeled personally by surrounding servants. “Suffer on, fools! My hips are too old to aid, so you must work by yourselves! Go teamwork!” He laughed in evil, eating an apple like an asshole.

“Fucking boomers!” Happy cried in protest, lifting three bookshelves with his outrageously sexy muscles and placing them in an entirely unhelpful place — directly in between two support beams, where Gray was trying to make ice bricks.

“You know that’ll melt, right? Those won’t last long, especially with Natsu around,” Lucy pointed out. She fell silent when she saw what she assumed were just really *really* cold tears.

“umu I can make the icy bwicks Wucy! owo would Wucy help Gway?” Staring directly at her, he added, “owo Onee-San what’s that?”

Lucy left more confused than before. Dear God, Fairy Tail was such a shitshow...

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a fucking interdimensional portal opened up directly on the ice-brick wall Gray had constructed, where a group of cultists that surely hadn’t been there a minute ago chanted, “All hail Satan, hail Satan... Thy will be done on Earth as it is in hell, all praise your unholy name!” They repeated it over and over, a mantra, and Lucy... was genuinely afraid.

The portal had started to turn an inky black, and red eyes shown in the deep darkness. Everyone had turned to stare at the incredibly disturbing spectacle along with her. The ectoplasm-like fluid was disturbed by a long black claw... until there was a pained cry of: “Fuck, man, I stubbed my toe! Be careful with your summonings, jackass!” and the hand jerked back, instead replaced with a raven-haired teen jumping out with a frankly kind of racist tiny sombrero and fake mustache. 

“Ah man, El Rizumo got portal goop on his totally epic sombrero...” Taking it off incredibly briefly to shake it clean, El Rizumo stuck it promptly back on. He looked around at everyone staring. “Anyone got a taco?”

Gray nervously held up a still-frozen microwave burrito. 

El Rizumo stared at him like he was insane before taking it. Frozen food was disgraceful. Fully unfit for the common fiesta. But his current only option. Hm...

The cult reached into the portal, pulling out a futuristic and sleek microwave, kneeling before Rin in reverence. “Jajaja! Nice!”

Everyone stared in absolute bewilderment.

——————-

“JAJAJAJAJA!”

‘Twas the night precisely 8 months after Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a Mexican cat man. Okay, that was possibly a lie — the clock had just struck midnight, and as advertised, he laughed quite racistly exactly on the hour. Precisely, to the nanosecond. It was scarily accurate, actually...

Natsu, about 5 miles away and tucked under his blanket, clutched his pillow harshly as it wrapped around his ears. The sound somehow managed to bleed through the fabric and feathers, unmuted... inescapable. Another fifteen minutes of nonstop noise passed before blissful silence arrived.

Sweet, sweet silence.

“JA! JA! JA!”

Natsu felt like crying to God for help. 

————————-

Madam Wendy’s greeted each and every member of Fairy Tail as they entered for their morning quests, leaning too close for comfort as she examined the health of their pupils. One had a scratch roughly the size of a cell. It was tragical.

Her horse nickered. “Yeah, that bitch oughta be blind.”

Madam Wendy sadly saluted. “And a moment of silence for that man’s eyes.” And everyone else entered in peace.

Meanwhile, Natsu was getting ready for the day, slipping on his Jesus approved Spongebob underoos and accompanying MLP bra. He also threw on his vest, with sleeves, because showing your shoulders was sinful. And if you, reader, have ever shown your shoulders in public, let it be known that you have sinned in the eyes of the lord, and shall be eternally punished in hell and deprived of chicken nuggets.

Happy chewed happily on the skeleton of a mutilated sardine. “Hey fucking boomer, we’re already through the damn chapter and the fucking plot hasn’t been mentioned once.”

And Natsu skipped out the door, having forgotten his pants. “Plot is a construct and time is a prison! Only God can save us now!”

Gray, on the other hand, had his wardrobe perfectly together. Underwear aside, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry I swear it wasn’t intentional


End file.
